Katrina Urquhart

regarding Alpha, part one

2010-11-01T08:39:00.002-05:00

I am for the most part a scientific sort. I like reproducible results. I like proofs. I like logical conclusions. I like philosophy and science, even though I'm the first to admit I understand little of it.

Regardless, I go to the chiropractor. As a discipline of medicine, chiropractic is a quackery. I have pshwawed it all my adult life. I started going on some free pass and I thought I'd give it a try. I had some symptoms that doctors couldn't solve. I had a strange buzzing feeling in my head. I sore hips. I had dizziness. These things went away after I had been going to the chiropractor for six months. But at the same time as going to chiropractic, I was eating better and exercising more and tackling the stress in my life.

Over a year later my boyfriend and I broke up and he took his benefits with him, and living on my own was far too expensive. So I stopped going to the chiropractor. My hips started hurting again. My dizziness and head "buzzing" came back. I ate well, exercised..... but these symptoms persisted and worsened. I returned to the chiropractor, and they went away again.

I don't know why chiropractic protects me from these debilitating symptoms. I don't care how it works. All I know is it does work for me, and that's good enough for me. I guess that makes me a believer.

here we go again

2010-10-17T16:02:00.002-05:00

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/belief/2009/aug/28/religion-christianity

http://biblicalproportionsreview.blogspot.com/2009/01/searching-issues-what-is-christian.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alpha_course

http://www.flameout.org/flameout/islam/gumbel_alpha1.html

The Alpha program is too conservative for me, it's too rigid for me. I can live with that. Here I am once again challenged by the stance Gumbel takes on gays.... I'm thinking I might have to contact Alpha itself, before Knox offers it again..... more later.

Heidi Heidi Hei

2010-10-07T15:31:00.002-05:00

We never really know the personal lives of others. Oddly, at the Bank, we get longer glimpses than most people. We have to ask; they have to tell us. Unfortunately, they don't alway tell - and when we hear they've left their spouse, gone into rehab, quit their jobs out of frustration, bought a house through private financing... we sigh because we could have better advised them if they'd told us.
Mostly, they want to tell. Sometimes, more than we want to know. More than we can use to assist them with finances. The mental notes that don't make it into the official notes. The coded notes "client prefers not to bring spouse to any appointments".
And our co-workers - how much do we really know about their lives? We know about their pets and their children and what they did on the weekend. But the knowing only goes so far. Why is she tired, really? Why is she working late all the time now? Why is she dressing so nice now? I'm a people person. I am interested, and genuinely concerned. Only sometimes, sometimes, you kind of don't want to know. And sometimes, you don't want to tell.

Cohabitation

2010-08-23T15:10:00.003-05:00

Sharing living space with another adult is an adventure. It's and old and tried experience but at the same time it is all new because the players have changed. I am going to grow so much through this, if I let myself, if I let go, if I have faith and trust.

So much of what piques me is really a reflection of my own ego, my selfishness or my fear.

This dance of intimacy, this dance of fitting into each other: no one wants to be first at a daring step, noone wants to be the fool, the patsy, the mark. My challenge: to be the fool. To jump. To trust.

Just because he can't see God's hands all over this, doesn't mean it isn't true.

And if he thinks I am his fool, rather than God's? What of that, what is that to me if I tell my ego, "shush"?

at my peril

2010-08-03T14:30:00.002-05:00

My intuition is screaming at me. I'm not listening. So my body is growing an ulcer to get my attention. My blood is itching, my breath is weak and I'm dizzy, so dizzy and faint.

I will attend anon, Self. Bide thyself.

2010-07-29T08:23:00.002-05:00

I am now a landlady. I have cheques and a lease and a family is going to live out a year of its life in my house. In the house where MY little family lived out four years of its life. So many lives must have passed through that little house.
It feels odd - I want to say they can just use it, just live there, enjoy it. But the bank needs me to pay for it, so I need them to pay for it. My hut sitting on Mother Earth's belly.

I'm generating a positive cash flow.

Have faith

2010-07-28T11:01:00.003-05:00

"It'll be OK." he said. "Have faith - you're good at that."
"Faith?" I replied. "I'm good at having faith in God, in Life, in Good. That doesn't mean I have faith in you."

A lily in the valley, I'll be OK. We're all OK. I live in a country where most people are always OK. I've never been afraid of starving, or wrongful imprisonment, of torture, of being truly homeless. It's a blessed life.

So I have faith. I am loved. But this has nothing to do with a romantic relationship.

yoke yourself not

2010-07-26T09:18:00.002-05:00

I struggle often with the tension between being in this world and being of this world. I catch myself falling for the false idols, wanting more and bigger... especially as my partner chases these things - it's hard sometimes not to be caught up in the chase. The stress on my integrity gives me pause, actually stops me cold. This frustrates my partner, who operates under a different paradigm and defines success and happiness differently.

Oh, I give it to God. Can I give it to God?

One cannot know the mind of God, but one can yearn for just a glimpse.

2010-07-15T10:16:00.002-05:00

My fingers are raspberry stained but I had to take an antihistamine because some berries had mold.

Somehow, it's my life in a small fruit. Looks so sweet and you don't notice the hidden mold until you're already sick.

I might have missed Blogger.

Livejournal for personal and mundane entries. Facebook for daily tripe and insta-sharing. Blogger for full sentences. Apart from that one, and this one.

Canada Writes

2010-02-27T17:50:00.002-05:00

I've sent in two entries for Canada Writes. I like my writing, I like SOME of my writing. I enjoy acting and I'm enthusiastic singer but I am actually a GOOD writer.
If someone said I could only use one art from fromnow on it would be writing.
On the radio someone said she works full time and writes as a second income. She is a published Harlequin writer. She makes herself write twenty minutes a day.
I fill my life with games and distractions but it isn't fulfilling.
I'd rather write, exercise, read, keep my Hobbit House, enjoy my wonderful children and play with my dogs. Enough gravy - bring on the meat.

new years eve 2009

2009-12-31T20:17:00.000-05:00

I've got a feeling, that this year's gonna be a good year, this year's gonna be a good year.... sing it Universe!I got this email from the Universe; did you, too? Here, let me show you it:

"I've got a feeling, Kate, that 2010 is going to be your kind of year. That you'll be happier than you've ever been, laughing harder, smiling wider, standing taller, walking lighter, dancing crazier, hugging longer, living grander, loving louder, and if you want, selling the pictures to a tabloid to raise money for your new charity.
Can you feel it, too?
The Universe"

Now I know we all saw a millennium click over and so this decade business is small poh-tah-toes. But not for me. That last decade was killah, baby! Who knew so much pain and joy existed? Or that I could survive it? When this decade started my babies were 3 and 5! In 2010 I can legitimately sing "My two kids, in high school, they tell me that I'm uncool" S'all right though - I'm mom-cool.

No 80s preoccupation for me though. I'm right here right now, because this is the right year, right decade. I will be standing taller, walking lighter, living grander and this will see me laughing harder and smiling wider. I AM going to be happier than ever before! I can already feel it!

I have, of course, some walk lighter stand taller live grander resolutions. I wrote them down. I'm excited about them. It's going to be a good year.

So thank you Universe, thank you thank you. For my kids, all my loved ones, the Hobbit House, a supportive workplace, Canadian citizenship, faith and freedom. Thank you for the hard learned lessons of the last decade: the challenges and wild rides and excellent people and perfect moments and unforgettable stories. Thank you.

Ahh the year is almost wound right down, the decade of my thirties dimming. There's a fantastic five course meal and a reggae band out there waiting for me ~ so Happy New Decade my friends. Be safe and well and blessed. Come visit me at the Hobbit House and let us share the awesome!
Peace and Love
Joy and Faith
(with a bit of Zumba on the side)
Thank you

Pastor Kitson

2009-07-08T13:05:00.002-05:00

My Pastor is leaving his post with our church. It took me a long time to find a welcoming, open-minded church led by a gentle and intelligent pastor. No other church has appealed before or since. My kids are invested in our church - it is part of their sense of community and where they are learning hope.
I wonder who will replace Jim? I wonder HOW they will.

facebook

2009-07-08T12:58:00.002-05:00

Facebook has been sending friend requests without the account owner's knowledge. This is causing some social embarrasment, and some anger, amongst users - myself included. How wearying to have to investigate whatever new changes they must have made to their privacy clauses.

pets

2009-06-29T15:09:00.002-05:00

I can never quite reconcile myself to the concept of keeping another species, another creature, as a pet. I think of this as my dog becomes old, has laboured breathing, sleeps away the day. I keep him alive. I may decide to end his life. I am all he knows of life - me, my kids, and the abuse of my ex if a dog can somehow remember that far back. There are people who have come and gone in his life. He's travelled along with me - moved in and out of Kevin's house - been cursed and blessed with the same circumstance. He's been fourteen year of constancy - he's always lived under my roof, I've always cared for him. Fourteen years of vets and groomers and dog food and training. He used to fit in my one hand. He has no pressing reason to die just yet though he can't survive in the wild - he lives by my "grace". Is this why we own pets? Is this part of it? To play God?
I don't like it.

road worx

2009-06-25T08:31:00.002-05:00

They're blocking traffic and making a mess. Huge machines and torn up pavement and detour signs that point a new direction every day. The Moms and Dads are getting frustrated - they want their streets back. The teenage girls are watching the construction workers. The little girls and boys sneak out to put their hands in drying cement.

blogging

2009-06-23T08:56:00.003-05:00

Peter's return reminded me of my blogger accounts. I haven't used them for quite a while. I do some paper journalling, though not enough. I post on LJ of course - but only locked posts to friends ever since the kids' step-mother went through her weird stalking phase. She also viewed this journal but I've always kept this as a public journal. I seem to recall it had some poetry, some linking to other web sites, some reflection. I don't really understand her obsession with me, but it's hers to work through. It has little to actually do with me. She has accessed my facebook in the past as well, posing as the kids. Well, let her. She's some sort of a voyeur I suppose.
I'm tiring of facebook. It's a good way to share photos from public events, although I think I'll probably move more toward using Googles photo sharing. If I had something like Dave's photo site I'd use it - he has all the family photos online so his brother etc can access them. The kids can sign on at friends' houses and show off vacation shots, and they were able to show me Andrew and Christine's babies which was awesome. They can do that with the facebook pics as well.... it's this ongoing balance between sharing and privacy. I would be less tired of Facebook if they didn't do all their applications - it's so inefficient now.

If I am returning here I will need to put that blogthis button back on my internet.

pathfinder

2007-02-03T19:27:00.000-05:00

don't ever assume i know where i am going. most of my paths lead back to my hobbit house. you're welcome here, it's warm and dry and i usually have food and wine. but surely your path leads somewhere more important, more interesting, somewhere intentioned. i want to find the path within. you can't follow me there although if you find yourself and i find myself, we will see each other. i think if i can find the path within, the paths without will start to lead somewhere.

winter moon

2007-02-03T13:16:00.001-05:00

What use this pregnant moon?
Passion's portent come too soon.
What use such passion drawn?
An empty bed awaits the dawn.

what use?

2007-02-02T23:06:00.000-05:00

what use this full moon consumed by wind whipped clouds and snow harshly blown?
what use this full moon swollen with unbirthed impassioned poems and viewed alone?

V-Day: V-Day Midland

2007-01-29T23:24:00.000-05:00

V-Day: V-Day Midland

If Alpha is the largest Christian force to sweep the planet, V-Day is certainly the strongest vagina force.

End violence against women.

OrganicFood.co.uk » Nightshade Foods

2007-01-14T20:14:00.000-05:00

OrganicFood.co.uk » Nightshade Foods

I had told Bats some time ago that tomatos are related to Deadly Nightshade - that they are all members of the Nnightshade family. He despises the smell of nightshde, it's a real BatsBane. And so he won't eat tomatos. This evening DQ and I had tomato on our tacos and he was shuddering so I figured I'd see if there is any actual poison in tomatos. It's pretty interesting. The information that smokers and those with arthritis is fascinating, though will frustrate my mother, she loves tomatos and potatoes. Certainly both my kids used to react to tomatos until they were around three years old and would never touch pizza sauce or catsup.

lj x post

2007-01-14T08:54:00.000-05:00

In line at Tim Horton's After commenting on my 'lovely" voice, an old Italian woman said: "I sometimes sing in my car, where no one can hear. In the old days, in Italy, not so many cars were on the road. People went to work on bicycles. And singing, always singing." She paused to sing a few bars in Italian as an example, "Or some song like this" "Sometimes the bombs would fall and you would see them running back home. Covered in black. But still, singing."

the Divine

2007-01-07T14:52:00.000-05:00

The thirst and quest for the Divine is always upon me.

CBC quote: "You have the right to expand your sole."

My fever is back just now, my coherence wanes, I'm swimming in thoughts of the value of ritual, the search for meaning, the divinity of beauty. When Jesus said "I am the Way, none shall approach the Father but through me" (or something like that) did he mean we have to pray through his name, or did he mean "through me" as "in my fashion"? You can follow Jesus' example without ever entering a Church. His lesson's are so stripped down. Can simplicity be a mantra? And I'm keep wondering why it's Christianity. Why so much the worship of Jesus, and not God and the Holy Spirit? What did Peter call me? Katrinity. I like that almost as much as Kurt's Katelyst.

Between fluish fever and churning monthly hormones, I'm teary and slipping through my thought streams.

"I will not worship this red light."

Who is this speaking on CBC?

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat Pray Love"

The Alpha Course : alphacourse.org

2007-01-06T23:26:00.000-05:00

The Alpha Course : alphacourse.org

That is Alpha. Through Alpha, I found a church home within which to discover and love God, Kevin became baptised, the children have found a spiritual spring board, we all made new friends...

All this started at Alpha but really was fulfilled through Knox church, led by Pastor Kitson.

Alpha as a movement scares me. The rhetoric, the taste of propaganda... there are some inherent views I can not support. For this reason, I am not volunteering for the program after all. Maybe it's because I am new and uncertain in my faith. Maybe I don't have the maturity to publicly use what is good and simply ignore the rest.

It's a wildly popular and extremely successful Christian movement led by Nicky Gumbel. Nicky is an extremely charismatic leader (think of me, but older, male and the leader of a wildly popular Christian movement) who himself (in a different context) points out that Satan poses as an angel of light. Maybe I just fear my own strong but naive attraction to the light.

Duncan A McRae!

2007-01-02T18:45:00.000-05:00

You're the funniest! The folks at CSolve were very helpful in providing all my lost passwords from when I first started dealing with them.
I can actually really think about posting to coffeekate.com again. Wow.
Thanks!

New Year's 2007

2007-01-01T17:09:00.000-05:00

The post previous to this links to New Years' past. My first New Year's post was to welcome 1998. Next year, I will post directly on to my web site (www.coffeekate.com) and move these there. But, for now I have neither the passwords nor the ftp program. Just as I didn't last year...

2006
2006 brought huge challenges, ecstatic joys, deep anguish and novel opportunities. Like TopGun, it threw us for loop after loop. We made wonderful new friends, discovered a church home in Knox, settled into a sweet Hobbit House, I'm still employed and the three of us kept our health. But the heart break, the separations and death and illness and stress and strife - no wonder on December 29th I said "Let this year end, the suffering is enough for one rotation!"
On the 30th, the fish died.

Home Sweet Home
In 2007 I resolve to spend more time at home. Everything I need is here. My kids have wonderful rooms which develop each month. Morgan's grows in magnitude of pink while the blue of Davey's room encompasses increasing projects and cards and dragons. They have centres and corners tailored to each child's needs and interests.
My own jungle print room is sufficient for quiet contemplation. I have a lamp, and some books, and a writing desk. The reading, the meditating, the writing - the flow of each is more certain as we enter this year.
We've had the pleasure of sharing the warmth of our living room and kitchen with many guests. Hopefully 2007 will see many more drop in and share some coffee and some time. Drink some wine, nibble a wee something... read a book off our luxurious shelves. Play a game. Pet the dog (or avoid the dog!)
The kitchen will hopefully see more cooking with local foods and pungent spices and love and laughter and music. I want to grow some of my own foods. I want to compost. I want to make more soups.
When my turn comes to host a summer time Harvest Potluck, I want each guest to bring a food they have a personal connection to, and to tell that story. Is it from your garden? Your neighbour's garden? Is is wild? I wonder how I'll feel if a farmer tells of his roast chicken.
I'm going to plant a garden. Maybe a small one, we'll see how I do with "work." Says Shawn regarding work, "You know how to dig a hole, don't you?" and Peter adds, "Once you have a hole, plant a tree."
Our basement is filling up and in 2007 we'll organise it and utilise it. The kids, having formed the band "The D.A.M.N. kids" (David, Alyssa, Morgan and Noah), need part of the basement for practising. The drum kit and electronic piano will be joined by lights and posters and tambourines... and eventually drywall and flooring. Al, the Knox music director, is getting the kids the CD and music for kids' contemporary worship pieces. The drums are loud. God is sure to hear them, and may He bless the neighbours (and me!) with patience.
On the other side of the music room's invisible wall is the weight room, complete with treadmill, situp bench (heavy pick-up), yoga mat (Sue), recumbent bike, ski machine, row machine and weight bench (all Francois). Do I really have to enumerate the resolution is inspires? If, like me, you enjoyed overmuch the cakes and creams of Christmas, come on over and sweat a bit.
The remaining room is called the white room. Catharine and I scrubbed and painted it when I bought this house. It was a filthy nicotine stained rancid basement bedroom and we inhaled a ridiculous amount of toxic fumes to turn the walls and ceiling white and to seal the concrete floor with white mildew slaying paint. We haven't really recovered yet. The white room boasts the best TV I've ever owned (Vouts) and a lava lamp (Francois) and a rug (Riet) and all the dress up clothes and art supplies and kid-toys. It's rarely tidy.
I want all my passions to live fully in my home. I want to welcome my friends with the same honest generosity I appreciate so deeply in Anke. I want to be a possible haven for my family, which extends to Tammy and Riet and Susan/Nana, but also to Kev's boys and beyond. I want to invite God in to our home, have him for dinner and ask if he'd like to curl up and read a book. Stay a while. I want to live a commitment to the environment and to force my eyes to stay open on Climate Crisis. I want to nurture literature and arts and film and music and philosophy and community.
What is not apparent from touring my Hobbit House is my career, and that's as it should be. After a challenging year of growing in to my role at the bank, I have started to be able to leave work at work. In 2007, I'll focus on leaving home at home. The Bank holds my mortgage and my Bank salary pays for it. The food for my children and the wine for our guests: the material blessings of our life flow from my career at the Bank.

Outside of home...

I'd love to see any of you at these events: Alpha at Knox starting February 1st, The Vagina Monologues on March 1st, the 24 hour ski race at Mountainview Ski Hill, Mariposa in Orillia, and any Sunday morning at Knox.

Two conversations...

Francois asked what I have learned from my parents, and I said "How to enjoy the finer things in life, but not how to get them." I've since thought of ways to get them - hard work, saying please, planning, prayer. But the most important skill for getting the finer things in life is recognising them.

My question one day to Kathy: "What do you think will happen Kathy? Just, what do you think?"
Her reply: "I don't know Kate, I really don't know."
And we really don't, do we?

Last year

2006-12-31T08:50:00.000-05:00

This is where I was at last year.
http://katrinaurquhart.blogspot.com/2006_01_01_katrinaurquhart_archive.html

Isn't life funny?

There are four posts I believe: New Years yet to come when I looked forward to this year (Oh! Life -you snicker all around me), New Years present which is the state of the nation early 2006, New Years past which is a link to http://users.csolve.net/~coffeek/index.html, also accessible at www.coffeekate.com. There are also some pictures.

Looking back at yourelf is amusing. The muse that was me.

cool waters

2006-11-11T09:49:00.000-05:00

LJ xpost:

I don't think anyone anywhere is expecting anything from me today. This is basically unheard of in my life. There are things I need to do, a whole lot of them. But no timeline, whatsoever.
Tomorrow is booked and every evening next week is spoken for. Spin spin spin.
Today I don't think I'll call anyone. I have Departed on disc so I'll watch it while the computer is still in the living room. I never have time enough for a whole movie.
I was away from home so long. The dog was frantically happy to see me. My mail piled up (all bills) and the house was so cold. I haven't finished cleaning from the Hallowe'en party. It was good to see my bed again. I have such a love hate "thingy" with this town. Also with singledom. I am so content to sit here alone and to know my day is my own. On the other hand, I'd relish a true partner to share this unday with.
I'm in a deep well of a mood. Not a gloomy mood. Just deep, and dark in a good way. Some spiritual cave of a mood. Change is not in the air - it is in the water.

All Hallow's Sonnet

2006-10-25T23:20:00.000-05:00

All Hallows Eve Sonnet
Scowling in the cold, the jack o’ lantern
grows frosty, and the scarecrow’s gape is stern.
Autumn leaves drift then windswept gaily dance:
in mounds they herald winter’s drear advance.
Ghouls and goblins ride winter’s frigid breath.
Devils sing tidings composed to us by Death-
this icy note from whence we can’t perceive:
"The Day of the Dead follows Hallow’s Eve!"
The Dead must wait; their day has not come yet.
We’ve time before Winter calls Summer’s debt.
Let’s don the mask of that which scares us most.
With warm’d spirits we’ll evil Spirits toast.
For one night- dance, sing, forget worldly strife.
Come friends. Scorn wintry Death. Jubilate Life.

as it snows

2006-10-12T23:34:00.000-05:00

Notes of disinterest:
1)My trampoline is covered with snow.
2)I am so not tired. It ought to be Friday.
3)J called and this is wonderful. It also renews my desire to shoot a gun. He's shot a "sub-machine gun" I think he called it. More than once, accurately. Lucky tall gorgeous duck. I'm a pacifist but I really like weapons.
4) this should be on my lj but I was in blogger due to some peruvian cigar sucker who is in love with Kat's M. He's all gamerish and despite my loving D&D and Vampire in the past and despite my dating so many gamers (ones who wash regular-like, mind), I don't game. Must be the whole single mom, work fulltime to pay the mortgage thing. But, I miss it in the creative playground it is and wish I had the time to see what the new gaming is all about.
5) I think I'll xpost to lj and then put up the windows in my screen porch and then put my sweaters in drawers and my summer dresses in storage. Then I'll think about J's place.

the ensuing comments

2006-10-01T13:06:00.000-05:00

Read the post before this first, as this relates to the one called 'first i posted this"

Kat said:
Do you know that my hardcore Christian students don't believe that there is an environment problem? You know why? Because if we destroy the Earth and bring on an Apocalypse then that will bring about the Second coming of Christ. In fact, they don't believe in recyling, conservationalism, or anything that would preserve the Earth.To do so wouldn't be Christian.I'm hoping that only the really f*cked up evangelical Christians feel that way and that this mindset doesn't apply to more mainstream Judeo-Christian followers.

I said:

mfp feels part of his Christian walk is in protecting God's Earth. mfp told me in the summer of the set of Christians who wish to hasten the Apocalypse. i think they're wrong, about it all, i think they have the wrong idea.i think if they end up in heaven in front of god, god will say "What the FUCK have you done to my green Earth?!"At the workshop today was a woman from http://www.kairoscanada.org/ who say "An ecological perspective concerns the Earth itself as an integral part of God’s wondrous Creation."

Kat said:

I was watching a special about that movie, Jesus Camp. It made me cry to watch children the age of DQ and Bats saying that they are being trained to be "soldiers of Christ" and that they would be willing to sacrifice their lives for Jesus. http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/story?id=2455343&page=1This sort of shit scares me.

I said:

Just viewed the link. That is scary.Haven't seen the film. I know a lot of American evangelical movement is damn scary. To me, there is no spirituality in that.The church we go to is really open, accepting, caring. The focus is just on love really. The Pastor would be ill at kids worshipping to Bush - that's actually out and out sinful as it makes Bush an idol. - but he'd also be appalled and sick at the manipulation involved I am sure. I wonder if the video is at Rogers.The leaders at the church in that news spot would slay me as a heathen I think.

and then I said:

We had communion at church today. I really like going to this church. I was dressed all in black, but so was the pastor. Actually, he was all spiffed up. Hmmmm...Anyway. He talked about the coming of Christ and the Bible does say to hasten the coming of Christ. But it talks about god's patience and how god is waiting until all our souls are safe so he doesn't need to cut anyone down but we'll all partake of whatever great party is planned for the end days.So to hasten the end is to keep your soul safe, pure, to have faith in god and to not do wrong which must also mean not harming the earth. These radicals may end the world, may kill the earth, but that doesn't mean god will come. He'd probably wait till more primordial slime grew in our wreckage and patiently help it to form into something once again resembling god, waiting for life on earth to reflect god's glory.I mean, he does have forever to wait for us to get our shit together. (masculine being used only for ease of writing)

first I posted this

2006-10-01T13:04:00.000-05:00

Climate Crisis
Go visit the site. It doesn't take much effort to make a little difference.

http://www.climateactionnetwork.ca/

Did the tour and bought the shirt. Midland is listed on the shirt.It was another eye-opening experiencing. I am learning a lot on this issue, or more anyway. I'm doing my part bit by bit, and increasing my involvement. I might not have gone, given my mood, but Sue organized it and I wanted to support her if nothing else.There were so few "young" people. I notice that the interesting, important things don't seem well attended by people my age. The youth may have their own forum: I wouldn't know. But where are the people my age? What do they do with their time I wonder. I suppose they're home with children, which is only half my reality.I have an odd life come to think of it.So our homework is to join the coalition and to write to the editor and to our MP. Did you know that the political parties keep track of letters to the editor to note issues of importance to the population? And that for every letter an MP receives, he / she knows there are 800 other voters out there with the same concerns?One man grumbled that letters to politicians never get replies and the speaker quipped, "The ones you don't send sure don't"I'm going to keep a travel mug in my car for now on so I can have guilt free coffee at these sorts of things. I wish there had been ceramic mugs to use - I would have helped with dishes afterward. And I wonder why there were pineapple and kiwi - those aren't local produce and had to be brought by freight.I'm proud Midland was on the tour and pleased Sue made it happen

xpost from lj

2006-09-01T07:49:00.000-05:00

Beta last night we talked about the role and value money has in our lives, and the nature of generosity. It was about choices we make, balancing say, economics against the environment or leisure spending against sponsoring a child in a third world country.
This is of course the anniversary of my namesake storm. Lots more storms ripped through the world around now last year. There are major environmental / earth disaster all the time and people are dying and suffering and don't have the resources to move on.
Conrad Black just had his assets frozen. In his case this means he only gets $20,000 per month spending money.
And I'm hopping into my car to go sign some loans and mortgages and investments.
Percolating.

A Basic Buddhism Guide: Introduction to Buddhism

2006-08-28T22:56:00.000-05:00

A Basic Buddhism Guide: Introduction to Buddhism

"Most people have heard of nirvana. It has become equated with a sort of eastern version of heaven. Actually, nirvana simply means cessation. It is the cessation of passion, aggression and ignorance; the cessation of the struggle to prove our existence to the world, to survive. We don't have to struggle to survive after all. We have already survived. We survive now; the struggle was just an extra complication that we added to our lives because we had lost our confidence in the way things are. "

That that makes sense. Why do I struggle and strive? What am I after? Didn't I once resolve to not resolve, to rest, to cease striving?

I was single then, as now.

On first glance it seems that Buddhism and Christianity are not mutualy exclusive, as Buddhism is not a religion and does not involve a god.

covenant

2006-08-14T22:20:00.000-05:00

When I was still married, there was a night when I got free of the house and stood in the park shivering and looking for a reason to go home. The kids were young, and asleep and I felt certain their Dad wouldn't leave the house. I knew he'd be furious for me for getting away. There'd be hell to pay and I asked God for some inspiration. A shooting star went across the sky and I was so moved, so full of hope and passion and I understood that if God can move a star just for me, then I can will myself back home to try once again.

This is how it goes when I talk to God. I "hear" the answer, but it's more like understanding or perceiving or really, like breathing it in.

So tonight's events left me very confused and longing and seeking and alone. Walking home I breathed in the stars and felt the breeze and listened to the wind in the trees and I talked to God. And through the wind and stars and breathing, I got answers I needed. Is this God? Is it meditation? Does it matter what you or I call it?

Nigh eleven I went outside and bounced on my trampoline. My conversation was more open mind by then. And a shooting star went across the sky. Again, I felt such joy and love and worth and hope. After bouncing a while I turned off the outside light and spoke some more with God.

I know it's a meteor shower time just now. And I know how I felt. I don't think I need to get scholarly about it.

Canadian Voice of Women for Peace

2006-08-06T22:28:00.000-05:00

Angela sent me a letter to copy to our great country's leader (the placement of the adjective being crucial) which was generated from this site.

There is so much going on. Honestly, she seems to be involved with all of it. And me, not with enough of it.

Canadian Voice of Women for Peace

Tanglefoot Website

2006-08-06T22:21:00.000-05:00

Tanglefoot Website

Drove to Gravenhurst by myself to watch Tanglefoot. My mother was to come but was not well enough. The kids would have loved it but they're with their father.

They played on a barge. They do this every year! There was an interesting separation created by the body of water between the audience and the stage. I think on http://to-thine-own.livejournal.com/profile I posted about the Penetanguishene show where we sat on the grass quite near the stage and the kids danced just to the side. The kids could have danced at this one as well but there was no sitting near the stage, no eye contact. There were children playing on the dock just down the way at the beach, jumping and splashing and wrestling. There were three men swimming who floated and listend to the band, three bobbing balding male heads with bare chests.
The sound was less reinforced of course. Actually the sound was good seeing as how the band was on the water at the bottom of the hill below the audience.
They always invoke in me a stream of romantic yearnings and poetic urgings and sorrowful dirges.
If I were ever lucky enough to marry a truelovesoulmateintellectualemotionalspiritualphysicalequal, I'd have Tanglefoot play the wedding.

And dammit, you'd all better dance.

Screen Rant - Review: The Lady In The Water

2006-08-01T23:15:00.000-05:00

Screen Rant - Review: The Lady In The Water

That just about covers it.
A big wha't'fu?
I really wanted to love it and I sure loved parts of it, and wanted ot get lost in the story but it was totally jarring seeing microphones. I think he was making some point about stories themselves, and our roles, and life is a fairy tale, and something like that.
But it was so freakin' weird.

cross roads

2006-07-18T19:22:00.000-05:00

So here I find myself a small town cliche - alone and broken hearted.

I can't go back to what I was; I don't want to. I don't know what I am anymore. The aloneness I feel is vast, and changing. It's a sea of sorrow that changes with the wind to a sea of spiritualism. What would I become now if I hadn't found a relationship with God? It would be easy to be overwhelmed with anger and hatred and self-pity. I find I can manage to step over the lies and hurt and wounded self-worth. The fear is harder.

I wanted a life partner. I don't think I will ever have one now, because the man that would make it worth the risk cannot possibly exist.

But there is Life to love, and Light and Breath. And my children. And me. There's always me.

alive

2006-07-02T12:27:00.000-05:00

My spirit is alive and singing. Everything is beautiful, and that which has lost it's beauty is tinged with hope. I trust in God and I can feel the rhythm of life bubbling within me.

Many aspects of my life work to squash this ectasy, to kill-joy. I have in the past succumbed to the killjoys because it's hard to fight for this intense bliss. But I am no longer alone in the river of bliss.

Laughing and crying and praying and dancing and breathing. The Supernatural of the Holy Spirit is alive is alive is alive.

self-management

2006-06-15T06:32:00.000-05:00

"my life has become unmanageable; my first task is to set it in order. If I earnestly want to manage my life, I will have no time to manage anyone else's" -One Day at a Time in Al-Anon.

Neither Kev nor I have a drinking problem, and I'm not going to Al-Anon, but my mom bought me this book as she thinks it might have some insights for me into what went wrong with Kev and I, and why we're breaking up, and why the break-up is so strange and hard.

Co-dependence groups also use the 12 step process.

It's interesting to note that alcoholics are alcoholics long before they abuse drink. The final abuse of drink is the symptom of their alcoholism.

I like the quote because my line coming out of all this is "I am going to be my next project." Enough of fixing other people's lives, I have to get my own in order.

2006-05-15T23:05:00.000-05:00

housing photos

2006-05-15T23:00:00.000-05:00

gordian knot

2006-05-11T21:31:00.000-05:00

Each is to the other a Gordian Knot
Seemingly unsolvable and with mystery fraught
Sex and silence our Alexandrian sword
never understanding but severing the cord.

the agony booth : THE AGONIZER : STEVEN SEAGAL'S LIGHTNING BOLT

2006-05-11T18:40:00.000-05:00

the agony booth : THE AGONIZER : STEVEN SEAGAL'S LIGHTNING BOLT

With thanks to Kat, my vampyric one.

if only ; )

2006-05-11T18:17:00.000-05:00

the Church bells are ringing

2006-04-15T22:04:00.000-05:00

Nothing less than a quest for meaning, for God and Divinity
Could quench my thirst and fill my soul and bring me to my knees.
Nothing more than a sinner and a servant, humbled in awe and praise
I offer what's mine to His service: henceforth, forthwith and always.

2006-04-08T06:22:00.000-05:00

From an e-mail of a horror-scope from Cat. She also sent Kev's: the correlation is disturbing!

" Confronting the darker side of the psyche can be a devastating experience that can uncover abysses within us which we never knew existed. Despite everything, try resisting the temptation to withdraw in order to avoid such experiences. This is not the time to be proud or strong. Pause to reflect, and try talking things over with someone - you will be amazed at the amount of sympathy and understanding you encounter. Accept any offers of help - you may discover that this is not so unpleasant after all. "

I've never been great at asking for help, although surviving an abusive marriage forced me to learn. Cat and redsaucer both reach out helping offers and it's so very appreciated.

Everywhere I look are messages of change. Change for me happening, more change for me required, change for Kev required and inevitable, and at the same time our world is changing and the church is changing and everything keeps changing.
I used to hope for a space of time where I could relax and know where everything is at and be happy with the state of my life. I don't think that will happen. Things are never as they seem but I think that maybe they were at one point, but then either they change while my focus is elsewhere, or I change and see things with new eyes.

I've been thinking of alcohol lately. Throughout University I'd go on un-drinking binges. There is so much drinking at school and it would weary me and I would go a spell without. I think I'll do something like that now. But in University, I didn't actually enjoy the alcohol as a beverage the way I enjoy red wine or Guiness or a cold Keith's now. In University, those around you don't respect your choices unless they are dramatic choices: "I am not drinking AT ALL." Beer pressure. I don't think I have to go that far to keep my eyes clear now.
This is fragmented; it's because I'm not feeling very inspired. I almost am, I can feeling inspiration leaping in me, like a candle flame. But it's been close to snuffed a few times the last few weeks and I'm jealously guarding it. Brief exercises and then back on your wick.
Jim made a comment one Sunday on not slumbering through life. I'm ready to LIVE. There are changes inherent to that. Some are hard to make and some are hard for others to take. But blast it all, I'm tried of waiting!!! *giggle i just said blast it all*
I've been lazy, and that is hard to change. I'm easily overwhelmed by choice and have kept myself blinkered - that will have to change. I've been unauthentic in order to fit a mold not of my making but of my mute acceptance, and that will have to change. I mean, whose life did I think I was living?!
There is a great temptation to hide for a while,and THEN change. But on another day Jim also said "Now would be a really good time."

Let there be light

2006-04-04T22:42:00.000-05:00

Let there be light
and the light was good
the light was sweet
forgiving, blissful, calming
a balm

Surprise, delight; I embraced the light
and brought it inside me
let it flow out again
trailing from fingertips
streaming from my mouth
exiting my eyes

When asked: What is this Light?
I replied: Let me tell you about this Light.
like a fool in love

foolishly

If there is light there is darkness with jealous tendrils
and whispered threats posing as caresses
If my eyes and mouth are wide open darkness may
find entrance and harm me

Better to close myself up while some light remains.
Better to keep my hands to myself.

Alpha, end

2006-03-30T22:37:00.000-05:00

This was the last night of Alpha. I'd like to write a lot about it, but I am weary, and also physically tired. I'm going to check my to-do list, put off till tomorrow whatever I can, and crawl into bed with a book. I'm reading DaVinci Code, along with also reading Love and Will, and reading the New Testament. But tonight is brain candy night I think. No treadmill, no situps, no more thinking. DaVinci code with all it's dramatics. I've only just started and he's already met a beautiful confident detective with wonderful physical descriptors. This explains why the author went to pains to explain that the hero is no longer in contact with the beautiful confident woman from book one. Sigh. The codes are cool.
This evening was about the church. I had lots of insights, learned lots... don't feel like posting about it right now.
Although I'll say one thing I didn't get to say at the small group portion. I remember at U of T there being a quote from a president past who wished to tear down all the buildings on the campus, plant a big tree and meet with students underneath it and THIS would truly be a University.
There is a final chapter to the Alpha course and we didn't see it and aren't scheduled to see it. And it discusses exactly some of the questions that are pestering me now. We got a 'the Alpha Course Manual" and it has notes and references for each evening. Each evening has a DVD. The notes for the final evening's DVD included such things as "What impact will becoming a Christian make on my life" "as an act of your will, offer your bodies... (this includes sexuality, is this the reason for the exclusion?) "it might involve suffering"... and other things that I want to KNOW about.
I'm being impatient. We asked Jim Kitson and he said we'd have a screening or allow the DVD to be borrowed. I am too impatient, I know. I'm working on it.
OK, exhaustion and emotional fatigue are taking over. Gut nacht.

ch-ch-ch-changes

2006-03-25T23:22:00.000-05:00

Change is in the air. To be honest, I always feel change in the air in Spring. I love the way air moves in the Spring. Everything is so alive and exciting and promising. I write more poetry in Spring than the other seasons. Autumn is the runner up in evocative sensation. I enjoy the twilight, and the dawn.
Pastor Kitson said quite frankly that change occurs when you turn to God. Your life changes. You change. When we decided to take Alpha, I was afraid change might happen. I love change, but deep personal change that affects my household.... that makes me nervous. People grow differently. What will be the impact?
A local friend of mine used to try to bring me to God. I've said before, it's a recurring theme in my life. I told her that I couldn't possibly because I am so wholeheartedly enthusiastic in life. The change would make me unbearable to those around me.
I actually really wanted to believe, but was afraid to cheat my awareness. "Opiate of the masses..."
My daughter REALLY wanted to be a Christian when she was about six. She kept on about it. This same friend took my kids and I to a puppet show at her church which seemed "religious" but reasonably safe. I had to leave with my son and then return, and when I came back, my daughter was in a room alone with a stranger "accepting Jesus as her personal Saviour." I was quite angry that my friend would leave my child behind a closed door with a strange adult, and still believe it was not the right way to do things. But, my daughter was well contented to have "become a Christian" and she didn't bother us about it again.
Yesterday, I called someone "Dudley" behind their back and my daughter told me that we can't call names just because someone makes us mad, or is rude. We have to forgive, and show them how to be nice. And I said "I'm sorry, you're right." and she said, "two wrongs can't make a right. But I can!" What a kid. Will this change that's happening require me to give up my scarcastic edge? What else?
I often think in metaphor: a situation I'm in will look to me like being on a frozen pond and hearing a loud crack, or like standing on a dark street looking into lit windows. Another common one is the feeling of being on a roller coaster with the bar down and being drawn up the first hill. That's the one I'm at now. There's no getting off or changing direction or pausing. I've got off politely and quietly many times in the past, well before the bar is locked shut and the wheels are in motion.
The rest of my thoughts on the theme of change must, due to the public level of this forum, be summarized as it was initiated: change is in the air.

so tired but: today's thought

2006-03-23T23:23:00.000-05:00

Today was about miracles and healing. It was really interesting: I had been looking forward to it. I'm fading, so I don't know how clearly I can get these thoughts out.
Jesus told his disciples, and others, to go and spread the word and to heal. I read that in the New Testament and it took me by surprise. It made sense that Jesus was going around healing. He healed left right and centre; he felt compassion and healed - it was a regular hobby. Disciples, well, okay, they've been hanging around a while, they probably picked up a bunch of this stuff. And they really believed. But other folk? A gathering of just plain folk? Off they went to spread the word and to heal. No preamble, just a simple direciton: go spread the word and heal.
So in our small group, I said people don't do that now. People don't go heal. We'd need a six week training, and videos and a few demonstrations and then a case study or two.
Go heal. And they did.
Can you imagine what that would be like? To be a conduit of a wonderful healing power? To lay on hands and feel the Spirit of God move through you and heal another? We said doctors and nurses and psychiatrists must feel something like it.
My theory was we don't heal because we don't believe. I said if it is true that God heals today and he heals through us, then chances are we've had and missed this fantastic opportunity. That the times we felt compelled to touch another, to lay on hands as it were, to hug, to reach out in some means, but didn't act on the feeling, these are times when our touch could have brought some healing into the other person, but we failed them. It must take a lot of faith to say "I will pray for you" and to come near to a person in need of healing and pray for them in a true attempt to bring healing to them.
When my brother was dying, I believed that miracles could happen and that we could will a higher power to enter into another and heal them, or change them for the better. I believed this to be God, generic. I knew about Jesus as God, and brought all the stories I had heard about "God" into one higher spiritual power. But I was young and didn't really understand my brother was sick until he was quite ill, and near the end. Then, I didn't "pray" for his recovery, but rather for a painless death that didn't destroy our separate parents. I felt quite certain he was meant to die and be relieved of the suffering of this life. I'm not sure what better life I thought was next, maybe a new chance at this life. Something painfree anyway. And I "prayed" that if he was coming back, that he have a chance to rest in "heaven" first. The quotes are words I didn't use as a child.
We hear of miraculous healings all the time. Doctors shake their heads and say"It was a miracle." So often, we're not even especially moved. One man in the group said maybe we're not moved because it's all internal: we don't see the lame walk or the blind see. Not instantly anyway. Doctors make these things happen. Miracles make aggressive tumours vanish.
Maybe we should have prayer journals like Nicky Gumble. Keep track. What quantity would be required to establish faith?
I have more thoughts but now I am far too tired.

Yesterday's thought

2006-03-23T23:07:00.000-05:00

This Alpha journey has changed my way of thinking about Jesus. Radically, I suppose. I started at the usual point of : Jesus was a very gifted teacher and spiritual leader of men who existed and was wrongly exalted.

And I've gone along a continuum of belief since then. Jesus is "A Way", Jesus is the Word made flesh and thus "The Way." But it was yesterday that I understood more of Jesus' role today. I thought it was sort of insulting that God thought we NEEDED Jesus in order to comprehend God. I thought, that was true in Jesus' day, but we are so much more enlightened now. And we truly are. One possible explanation of this enlightenment is the state of existing in two ages concurrently. But we are still fully human, and thus prone to human failings. We can experience the love of God and return the love of God, but we cannot well sustain that love, because we CAN'T comprehend God. We need Jesus to have the relationship with because He was flesh and he walked and talked and related to humans who told of it. He is something we can conceive of, if we try. I know that's what has been said all along, it only just made sense yesterday. I am not sure to what degree I believe it.

I was thinking of the role of the Pastor as well. I love the title "the Pastor", I think I mentioned that on LJ. People must often experience transference once they feel the love of God and the forgiveness of Jesus. Because if it is easier to have a relationship with Jesus than with God, how much easier with the Pastor who points to God for you. They must receive training around that, like counsellors and doctors. I think it was redsaucer's belt loop observation that made me think of that. It must be hard work but true joy to be ordained and in service.

Blogging

2006-03-23T22:24:00.000-05:00

My two blog identities are drifting apart.
Some people blog, some don't. Some lurk - that is read and not comment. On LJ, that is the height of rudeness. On Blogger, it is more expected. I think the ability to easily blog articles for discussion sets a different mood.
Blogging is often a bone of contention here. I blog. Kev doesn't really. I think blogging is annoying and threatening to non-bloggers. For bloggers, it's a wonderful outlet / communication.
I know some people through blogs who I have never met, or rarely see. Others are a part of my daily life, like acernum and red saucer. The RL (real life) relationship is different from but overlapping with the blog relationship. You have to be sensitive to locked entries, and not expose them in RL to excluded parties. (No locked entries on this blog btw). There is a certain duality to conversations, as you can have a RL conversation that dovetails with an online one, which means you say things like "Oh yes, you blogged that: I replied." Also, you can avoid in RL a topic you are blogging so as not to taint the blog conversation (convo) flow. Sometimes you can come to know a RL person so well online that you're not sure what to say face to face: do you jump to the level of relationship developed in the blog (or email) or do you take the required RL steps of social interaction? This is a reality that has destoyed marriages.
And of course, blogging is a part of RL for some of us!
So at Alpha, someone said: "I've been following your blog...." and I'm not really sure what I said. Because, I didn't know she'd read my blog. So the words sort of echoed in my head, and I thought: Why? What have I said? Am I smiling? And other inane, internal thoughts. So if you're still reading the blog - sorry for my glazed response!
Finally, commenting is good! Life is busy; sometimes virtual communication is as good as it gets for a while. If anyone reading this also reads Pastor Kitson's blog - it'd be interesting to see what others think about when reading by commenting on his blog.

in the deep blue sea

2006-03-20T23:27:00.000-05:00

The nice thing about prayers in public is if you don't feel like praying, you can't really offend those who do - because they all have their heads bowed.

I prefer quiet, personal, solitary prayer. And I still wish on stars; I always will.

Lately I've only wanted to speak in metaphor. It makes life as a banker hard.

The stainglass of Jesus knocking at the door looks awfully stern on less sunny days. On cloudy days you can't really see it. It has the effect some paintings have of looking right at you. One Alpha Nicky was talking about knocking, and opening and inviting Jesus in, and I thought about it in a variety of ways over the next few days. During Alpha and during the Sunday service I sometimes look around. I'm still listening, it's just easier sometimes to look around instead of staring forward. So after the Jesus knocking Alpha, I was at Sunday worship standing beside Kelly and we were singing and I had the words down so I was glancing around and over my left shoulder I saw for the first time the stained glass window of Jesus knocking and it was positively glowing. I almost fell over, I lost my breath and felt woozy.

I'm getting used to it now.

In my step mother's basement is a picture my Dad painted at OCA entitled "Self-Portrait". It can't be hung because he painted it years before his death and it resembles too much his visage after cancer and chemo took their turns with him. Art transcends the mundane.

We didn't have a Bible anywhere to refer to after Alpha nights so I dug out my Dad's bible, it's monogrammed. My Dad found his peace with God just before learning he had cancer. I was surprised to see the gold symbol embossed on the spine: the Celtic trinity symbol. My kids and I each wear this symbol. I should have realised, I suppose, it was Christian.

This Sunday's worship service meant a lot to me and I appreciated it's lessons; I've pondered and discussed it. I'm sort of lost in water metaphors that started with an invitation to go swimming and a willful drowning and I'm envisioning ripples once the pebble has been thrown. And pebbles can't come back, just like blessings and curses, and once it's thrown it can't be unthrown but the fear of ripples can't stay your hand lest no pebbles ever be thrown.

"Keine Zerreißen seelen" and I think I ought to focus a little and make my thoughts a bit more cohesive. There was a joy and it was inspirational.

2006-03-18T19:59:00.000-05:00

this hopefully will link the article now

homosexuals in the Church

2006-03-18T19:54:00.000-05:00

http://www.presbyterian.ca/documents/sexualorientation.pdf

I did ask Pastor Kitson about gays and lesbians being welcomed in the church. They are welcomed and can take on ministry roles, but cannot be ordained. As yet, the Presbyterian church does not bless same sex unions.
This article is the report on homosexuality for the Presyterian Church in Canada. It's nicely written and clearly outlines the logical arguments and research. Part way through I realised that divorced and remarried persons should not be ordained, which incudes myself and most people I know. I actually am worse I suppose as Kev and I are not married and he is in fact not yet divorced. But a sinner is a sinner, and who am I or anyone to judge our sins? And what about the greedy, and liars, and those guilty of envy, or gossip, or theft? The article touches on remarried divorced persons and says that despite their being sinners equal to homosexuals, they DO become ordained. And it queries whether the changing in times and perspective and understanding might not move the Church to also allow homosexuals to be ordained, and thus it conclueds that truly it should not conclued and that the jury is best left out.

last nights post

2006-03-17T08:32:00.000-05:00

Posted this last night but it failed. Wow, was I tired - and I slept like a log. Lucky darn logs.

Happy St. Patricks Day. I welcome any thoughts on the following poorly writ post. I can be so enthusiastic and impassioned by ideas, but I still think this is more than that. It's slower moving, and more persistant, and persists even with my changing moods and challenges.

http://www.knoxmidland.ca/Knox%20Midland/Open%20Journal/Open%20Journal.html
If you're interested. Don't know if anyone reads my blog at all much but there you go. I've pretty much decided to make Knox my church home, which sounds like I had a church home but am moving. But I've never felt this comfortable in a church or with a church leader as I do with Knox and Pastor Kitson. I do want to ask where he and Knox stand on gays and lesbians. Couldn't hang out where there is prejudice. I like going there. I'm enjoying ALpha, I like the Sundays, I look forward to it and and am drawn to become more involved. I'd like to get deeper, I love the mystery and there's something else. It's like falling in love, but with no anxiety over sexuality. Deeper, more clear. It resembles some past obsessions but without the compulsive quality. It's the closest thing to what I've been looking for. Very tired, must needs sleep.

pastpost

2006-03-17T07:29:00.000-05:00

drat, made a post last night and it did not post.

No time, no time said the white hare...... this is one that will wait until after work, and after Cellarmens at which point I'll have shared a Guniess with my entire audience with a likely ommission of the Pastor (i like the title The Pastor).

Times they are a changing. Currents, winds, memes, shifts, this passage of change is not even at it's midpoint.

Pastor's Blog

2006-03-16T22:51:00.001-05:00

http://www.knoxmidland.ca/Knox%20Midland/Open%20Journal/Open%20Journal.html

If you're interested. Don't know if anyone reads this at all much but there you go.

I've pretty much decided to make Knox my church home, which sounds like I had a church home but am moving. But I've never felt this comfortable in a church or with a church leader as I do with Knox and Pastor Kitson. I do want to ask where he and Knox stand on gays and lesbians. Couldn't hang out where there is prejudice.

I like going there. I'm enjoying ALpha, I like the Sundays, I look forward to it and and am drawn to become more involved. I'd like to get deeper, I love the mystery and there's something else. It's like falling in love, but with no anxiety over sexuality. Deeper, more clear. It resembles some past obsessions but without the compulsive quality. It's the closest thing to what I've been looking for.

Very tired, must needs sleep.

EAWC Essay: Reflections on the Tao Te Ching

2006-03-02T20:04:00.000-05:00

EAWC Essay: Reflections on the Tao Te Ching

Having mentioned the Tao, I felt I should link to it. The Tao has held strong enough meaning for me to have had it tatooed to my ankle as a teenager and to never have regretted that choice. This is the content of my every focussed breath, and is what is missing in my anxious, shallow breaths.

Like my redsaucer friend I cannot take in as large a thing as God lightly. To believe is to recodify my whole being. What a scary endeavour - who will I be at the end. If not a more true me, then there is no point. I think I (and he) differ in this regard from many who look for a path of truth. We're both quite childlike in many ways and painfully deep and serious in others. And questing for authenticity, meaning, Oneness.

"there is no final retreat from responsibility or the pain of living in a crooked world. " ~ then, alas, no hiding in a cottage in the woods and reading and eating vegetables. We must suffer through it and struggle through it. But all the more reason to have some meaning! And balance, East and West, heart and soul....acceptance, balance, truth, divinity, simplicityand love.

I feel like I'm defragging.....

"then I replied"

2006-03-02T07:28:00.000-05:00

I am still zenning with Yahweh and Logos (Logos is hard to google). It's all so infinite, and also so immediate. I want to fall headlong, but am also afraid. I want to be strictly logical but am thwarted by poetry and passion.
I don't want to be wrong.
This soulful, heart/mind struggle is the only way I could "come to faith." Everytime I veer in this direction, the external force is either heart or mind. That always leaves an "out," and has, for years. This is a cyclical theme in my life.
For each of these sentences I have thought a chapter.
My missive intent is this: At Knox, I feel comfortable taking one more step toward the deep end. But I'm still afraid of drowning.

"and the Pastor said"

2006-03-02T07:26:00.000-05:00

Thanks very much for your message, and for linking to your blog. I guess I would say I am indeed one of those pastors who believes in Jesus as "the way, the truth and the lIfe" (John 14:6). Jesus even then goes on to say that no one comes to the Father except through him. The discussion for many, then, revolves around whether the "me" in that needs to refer to Jesus who walked this earth, or, in a more general way, the eternal Word of Creation, Logos, (a force/spirit that could be understood as manifested in different ways according to various world views). I feel called to follow in the steps of John the Baptist who pointed away from himself to Jesus as the one who has saving compassion on the whole world (John 1:29).
Having said that, I would also say that I rejoice in your experience of God, however that comes. In his call to Moses, God identified himself as simply "yahweh", meaning "I will be who will be" or "you will know me as you experience me." Even John Calvin, the staid father of Presbyterianism, took up the first part of his massive "Institutes of the Christian Religion" pointing out that God is everywhere and in all things and humans should therefore be able to know him on that basis. But he goes on to point out that our human nature is such that we have trouble perceiving that and so we have Jesus to relate to on our level and the Holy Spirit to empower believing and living with a strength beyond our own. Nevertheless, I would add, in agreement with you, that God is there to be discovered wherever and however He (God as true Spirit can be neither male nor female)/The Divine/Yahweh/Lord/Logos) chooses to reveal himself (I will persist with male pronouns in spite of what I've just said before).
My own experience of the Divine is to be called to point to "the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world" as my life's mission.

"I said"

2006-03-02T07:24:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking about religion due to the ALpha course. In the small groups I have brought up the question "why Jesus" in a different meaning. If one has experienced God, felt forgiveness, felt a communication with God and felt at peace with the world and one's role within it (though not necessarily understanding that role), and has done this without directly approaching through Jesus, then why seek Jesus now? What if a person has a faith other than Christianity and yet has approached the divine and felt its blessing through this differing faith? Can the one God not be the same God for all, regardless of names and traditions and paths taken to approach the divine?

Some people in our group are struggling with the concept of Father, Son and Holy Spirit, but this is something I've never struggled much with. I struggle more with a big picture of God and the role of the church. I don't want to be a hypocrite. I believe when taoism says the Tao that can be named is not the true Tao, this is God with a different name. I can believe that Jesus is an incarnation of God and is God, but if I feel in communication with God and haven't approched "through Jesus", would you say I am not really "experiencing God"? A lot of people live good, faith-based lives who believe in paths to God other than Jesus. Not that they would all say Jesus is false or not the Son of God, but that he is not their chosen path.

INFP Profile

2006-02-12T19:49:00.000-05:00

My score on Perceiving / judging was essentially even, so this too is my profile.

INFP Profile

Online test based on Jung - Myers-Briggs typology

2006-02-12T19:44:00.000-05:00

the test that created the results

Online test based on Jung - Myers-Briggs typology

INFJ Profile

2006-02-12T19:43:00.000-05:00

Very cool descriptor of my personality type "infj". Is it useful? It clarifies some aspects of my personality I have had difficulty putting in words. I have in the past sort of yearned to be a religious leader but have been understandably hindered by a lack of faith in Jesus. In Guides I always led "Guides Own' which is church for those without religion. The other "callings" i have had are politician, counsellor and writer.
It also explains why people always seem to think of me as an extrovert when I see myself more as an introvert. i'm going to read some of the other personality types now.

INFJ Profile

Sympatico / MSN Lifestyle : Relationships : Articles : TS 5TraitsOfAGoodCouple

2006-02-06T20:36:00.001-05:00

Brief. concise. thoughtworthy.

Sympatico / MSN Lifestyle : Relationships : Articles : TS 5TraitsOfAGoodCouple

Sympatico / MSN Lifestyle : Relationships : Articles : TS 5TraitsOfAGoodCouple

2006-02-06T20:36:00.000-05:00

Brief. concise. thoughtworthy.

Sympatico / MSN Lifestyle : Relationships : Articles : TS 5TraitsOfAGoodCouple

Secret Centre Theatre

2006-01-15T08:38:00.000-05:00

My Uncle Rufus' latest play - sure wish I could go. Doubt he'll ever get a Toronto stint...

Secret Centre Theatre

Huronia Players - Midland Community Theatre Group

2006-01-14T20:07:00.000-05:00

Season info for our local community theatre. Morgan is starring in The Bad Seed. I see the fund-raiser is Tanglefoot!

Huronia Players - Midland Community Theatre Group

Ghost of New Years Yet to Come

2006-01-04T18:59:00.000-05:00

Next New Year's Eve will be wonderful. Our whole downstairs will be painted and the hideous border will not even be a memory. We'll have my kids at home, and Kevin's sons as well as they move back here this summer. They might each have a friend over; we might invite some families to drop by. Nothing big.
We'll have more money. We'll be done fighting with our ex-partners. We'll welcome family and friends to our newly fixed-up home. I hope we can somehow bring Kevin's daughter over for New Years - if we can, we'll have it all.

I know life throws constant unexpected curves at all of us; but barring calamity, we will have it all. How can I help but be excited at the start of this new year when I hope in one short year to have it all?

Blessed Be, mes amis.

Ghost of New Year Present

2006-01-04T17:25:00.000-05:00

In the past I've striven to make personal change and to reach goals. I've sat betwixt the old year and the new and evaluated myself and my life and resolved to change the things with which I was displeased.
I'm generally more content now, with myself and my life and with life in general. I like where I am - it's nowhere stupendous and yet I am content with that reality. I'm not especially wise but I am wiser; I'm more able to see the bigger picture.
I have a lot of growing ahead as we all do, but I'm aware of this and I trust it will unfold as it should. I don't need to resolve to grow - I am aware and open to change and excited about life.
My self-evaluation is both more constant and more forgiving now. My earlier rants and raves can be summarized by a raise in the eyebrow and a silent nod of the head. This change in disposition does away with resolutions. It is a continuous path and I am cognizant of its beginning and some of its possible ends: I am mostly aware of this moment- this here, this now.

My passions are shifting. I'm getting older.

In advance of the changing year I initiated changes which will colour 2006. I have sent away forms which will make my legal name be

KATRINA ESLPETH URQUHART

and I will be rid of my burdensome previous incarnation. Let the children's step-mother be Mrs. Anderson - I'm not sure I was ever comfortable with that name. The kids accept and celebrate the change. Kevin is pleased to be rid of Anderson; for those who don't know, it is his ex-wife's maiden name.

This new name will be brought resoundingly into my career as I change employers next week. I never mention my employers' name in Blogs but if you call or email me I'd love to give you details of where and for whom I am now going to enjoy being a Banker. And I do enjoy it. I enjoy getting to know the customers' goals, preferences and needs. I love the problem solving and the fact that no-one has the same plan or solution. It's math and logic and counseling and human interaction all rolled up with money.
The reason I'm excited about my new job is it is here in town. I liked my last employer - I got along with my co-workers and I was proud of the Bank. I appreciated the systems and the innovative products. But the position was in Barrie. I burned fossil fuels and gave up critical family time to set up mortgages. I felt I couldn't relate to the customers at times as they weren't from my town. I missed being involved in my community, seeing the kids off to school, knowing the people who came to my branch , having coffee with my mom or lunch with Kevin. I get all that back now. I can ride my bike to work in the summer. I can tell I'm going to be proud to work at my new Bank. It's a top 50 employer in Canada, they have a record of helping the community, they are known to provide personal sevice and the staff at my branch seem fun. So once my Katrina Urquhart cards come in, be sure to ask me for one!
The other big change in 2006 that was initiated in 2005 is through family court. On the children's request I have asked the court to end our week-about arrangement. Their father disputes this of course and it will take alot of time and money for the court to decide. My hope is this will be the last legal dispute we will need to have. In the past I've either agreed in misplaced good faith, or I've backed down out of fear or lack of money. This current challenge will be difficult but I believe it will ensure the children's best interests are met, finally.
Three big changes- I don't need resolutions to make them happen. I'll just be my best self in each time and place and be aware of my full self, and each here and now.

It's all in the breathing.

I do, I suppose, "resolve" to lose some weight and build some strength before the 24 hour ski race at Mounainview and the 24 hour bike race at Mansfield. But only because I'll enjoy myself more if I'm not struggling after two laps. And also because both events entail tights.

Happy New Year!

Images of New Years Present

2006-01-02T14:42:00.000-05:00

Ghost of New Year's past

2006-01-02T13:03:00.000-05:00

The Old New Year

New Year's Eve

2005-12-31T18:20:00.000-05:00

2005 is drawing to a close and I've not resolved in the slightest.