"then I replied"
I am still zenning with Yahweh and Logos (Logos is hard to google). It's all so infinite, and also so immediate. I want to fall headlong, but am also afraid. I want to be strictly logical but am thwarted by poetry and passion.
I don't want to be wrong.
This soulful, heart/mind struggle is the only way I could "come to faith." Everytime I veer in this direction, the external force is either heart or mind. That always leaves an "out," and has, for years. This is a cyclical theme in my life.
For each of these sentences I have thought a chapter.
My missive intent is this: At Knox, I feel comfortable taking one more step toward the deep end. But I'm still afraid of drowning.
I don't want to be wrong.
This soulful, heart/mind struggle is the only way I could "come to faith." Everytime I veer in this direction, the external force is either heart or mind. That always leaves an "out," and has, for years. This is a cyclical theme in my life.
For each of these sentences I have thought a chapter.
My missive intent is this: At Knox, I feel comfortable taking one more step toward the deep end. But I'm still afraid of drowning.
posted by Katrina Urquhart at 7:28 a.m.
5 Comments:
fear of drowning
every time i get mixed up in the church -- the last time was about five years ago when chloe was baptized at st. mark's and the priest wanted to talk with me to see if chloe was being baptized into a spiritual community and she and i had some long discussions which were quite sympatico but i did not get involved in the church at the time and but she baptized chloe nonetheless--every time i get mixed up in religion, i feel the urge to be radical--in the radical sense of the word, to get to the root of things (if jesus is the vine...). every time i get mixed up in religion, well, i get mixed up. it's my nature to dive in whole, and to try and piece all the pieces together and find integrity and justice, and that is really really hard to do in this world we live in. so, out of fear for my sanity, out of protection for my kids, i refuse the challenge, i join the masses and go to work 9-5, punch a keyboard, as i'm about to do in a few minutes, with the nagging doubts that thru our inaction this beautiful world is slipping away and that i am not being fully authentic.
where do we draw the line and render unto caesar what is caesar's and unto god what is god's?
More of a reply later but for now a challenge. Leave your insanity at home one morning and come swimming.
Katrina,
Jim directed me to your blog.
I respect your head/heart struggle.
I had a similar struggle in my own faith. I've been hot and cold over the years. Sometimes it all makes perfect sense, and other times I wonder if it is all a complete fantasy to keep us from facing the idea that our lives are a result of a meaningless clash of atoms. I can't hold the second idea for very long or I get completely depressed. Usually I decide that even if we are just atoms, it is a terrible way to live. It seems that around those times, I get some nudge, some inkling, some reminder of something more.
I like Knox because I can be real about my struggles, and not be judged. Here, I feel like I am on a journey with fellow travellers, and we all help each other along the way. I've left other churches because they insisted I "toe the line". I refuse to be told what to think by anyone. God gave me a brain, and I expect to use it to know Him.
It has been really interesting to read about your journey, and to get a newcomer's view of our church.
Happy travels!
"Don't dive shallow, in deep dark waters"
--Hawksley Workman, No Beginning No End
I accept your challenge.
And onward into authenticity...
A mix of replies; I haven't looked to see how blogger allows replies to separate comments. redsaucer, I still intend to continue the Livejournal section of this stream, where you are manfromplaid and I am adrian urquhart. Do our thoughts change with our IDs?
I like the analogy of the child leaping. I shy from how much i like it, how I yearn to jump in that same confident gleeful trusting way. How wonderful that would be! To be honest, I have faith in the catching, but not so much in the jumping. I am afraid of what jumping will do to my life. So much of my life is artificial, but I've worked hard to be so successfully artificial, or artificially successful! Can you see how I wind around and around and around? I am most afraid I think of the thing I most desire. I can get very Lewis Caroll about these things.
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