From an e-mail of a horror-scope from Cat. She also sent Kev's: the correlation is disturbing!
" Confronting the darker side of the psyche can be a devastating experience that can uncover abysses within us which we never knew existed. Despite everything, try resisting the temptation to withdraw in order to avoid such experiences. This is not the time to be proud or strong. Pause to reflect, and try talking things over with someone - you will be amazed at the amount of sympathy and understanding you encounter. Accept any offers of help - you may discover that this is not so unpleasant after all. "
I've never been great at asking for help, although surviving an abusive marriage forced me to learn. Cat and redsaucer both reach out helping offers and it's so very appreciated.
Everywhere I look are messages of change. Change for me happening, more change for me required, change for Kev required and inevitable, and at the same time our world is changing and the church is changing and everything keeps changing.
I used to hope for a space of time where I could relax and know where everything is at and be happy with the state of my life. I don't think that will happen. Things are never as they seem but I think that maybe they were at one point, but then either they change while my focus is elsewhere, or I change and see things with new eyes.
I've been thinking of alcohol lately. Throughout University I'd go on un-drinking binges. There is so much drinking at school and it would weary me and I would go a spell without. I think I'll do something like that now. But in University, I didn't actually enjoy the alcohol as a beverage the way I enjoy red wine or Guiness or a cold Keith's now. In University, those around you don't respect your choices unless they are dramatic choices: "I am not drinking AT ALL." Beer pressure. I don't think I have to go that far to keep my eyes clear now.
This is fragmented; it's because I'm not feeling very inspired. I almost am, I can feeling inspiration leaping in me, like a candle flame. But it's been close to snuffed a few times the last few weeks and I'm jealously guarding it. Brief exercises and then back on your wick.
Jim made a comment one Sunday on not slumbering through life. I'm ready to LIVE. There are changes inherent to that. Some are hard to make and some are hard for others to take. But blast it all, I'm tried of waiting!!! *giggle i just said blast it all*
I've been lazy, and that is hard to change. I'm easily overwhelmed by choice and have kept myself blinkered - that will have to change. I've been unauthentic in order to fit a mold not of my making but of my mute acceptance, and that will have to change. I mean, whose life did I think I was living?!
There is a great temptation to hide for a while,and THEN change. But on another day Jim also said "Now would be a really good time."
